the same old thoughts in the same old words.

These are my aberrant cryptic thoughts, slathered in pure ambiguity so as not to lie here naked, exposed in this desolate place. The raiment keeps me so warm and safe. This manner of expression that seems to equivocate thoughts is a way for me to convey the deepest most intricate parts of my soul that will never be spoken aloud. My speaking is shallow and to the point, lacking any depth as I impose these cruel restrictions on my mouth, continually gagging on the rusty old chain in my throat. I would like nothing more than for there to be perspicacity existing in all its forms, that exquisite clarity in my speech. I am forever searching for that singular word that will nail down these arcane thoughts, ideas and desires. Searching, but turning up with no such word. The chain declares that it has captivity over my mouth. Herein lies my lifelong struggle, this ineluctable truth, the desire to be known and yet wanting to bask in the "security" of being unknown. So I cry out to my Bridegroom, pleading for him to break these chains, to mollify my seeming relentless fears….. Lord, take these inclinations to be reticent away! Let not my speech be restrained! It is still.
And quiet in this place.
I am capable of lucidity.
Only through you Abba.

ineffable joy.

I eschew these crippling losses, invariably depriving myself of healing. I merely feign illumination that has ceased to appear. These unutterable longings in all their obscurity and vividness in my mind send me to an improverishment of the soul wherein langour overwhelms my being. Must I be stricken with this muteness, these blind eyes that fail to see the revelations that stand before me, these ears that discontinue their very function? However, the past, in all its brokenness, reminds me in some unfathomable way, all is well. My heart is not hardened, I am not cold and lacking any warmth, as I so often claim in my writings, quite the contrary, dear friend. I obturated the door from such things to permeate the inner depths of me, for that is not me and never will be. I am gentle. Soft hearted. Tender. I shutter when I hear these very words, they seem to evoke such images of weakness, frailty….. Then I remember the sweet delicacy of the human spirit. We are all weak, broken, sifting through the debris of our hurts. It's called humanness. ….I am forever destined for a treacherous war with words and coherence. Praise God that He can hear my inner groanings. He remains my oases in the arid desert, in Him I find peace, stillness, refreshment for my soul.
The macabre dance has ended.
The self privation has been struck down.
New life has begun.
I relinquish my fears to you, sweet Lord.

he mends my calloused heart.

These unnamed, immemorial feelings drive me to a state of complacency , they penetrate my dismantling heart which lacks any remnant of warmth. It is the pure embodiment of anesthesized discarded thought. These continuous bullets inserted renders me detached, elusive…firmly etched in my memory but yet lacking visibility all the same. The sheer weight of this squalor is seemingly unavoidable and will not subside. I infuse admirable qualities into my exterior but my interior is black, empty, a never ending abyss. The timidity I display is sheer cowardice….why must I be so fearful of that which God made me to be?
Restore me, Lord. Let not my heart be blinded by the darkness that inhabits my surroundings.
I put to death these things.
There is no life in them.
I peer out from the depths
And find life. Joy. Love.
I am alive.
I am redeemed.

a meaningless journey

absurdity claims us all captive...i am inclined to possess these obscure thoughts. they produce a longing deep within for a journey... i will guardedly enter my car and start driving. to nowhere. to everywhere. to my distant past that haunts me. my close confidantes will accompany me...bright eyes, ane brun, azure ray...me. my car. my music. my God.
900 E Broadway Avenue Bismarck, ND
3242 Crocus Avenue Bismarck, ND
4500 Duxhall Drive Lincoln, NE4
740 S 45th Street Lincoln, NE
2500 S. 17th Street Lincoln, NE
1380 Eternity Lane Shell Knob, MO
1650 Lake Street Lincoln, NE
1100 N. 56th Street Lincoln, NE
5201 Vine Street Lincoln, NE
12550 Zuni Street Westminster, CO
75670 Road 417 Cozad, NE
501 N 34th Street Bismarck, ND
1500 Edwards Ave 204A Bismarck, ND
1111 Main Street Wayne, NE
5010 Fir Hollow Lane Lincoln, NE
my journey will be completed. only to come to realize, it was absent of purpose. void of meaning.what have i come to a deeper understanding of? the fact that these are merely locations? buildings? places where my toxic tears were shed but have long since dried up? i am no longer there.the people i knew at those places cease to exist. they are nowhere to be found.i have no right to be there.unwanted. displaced. my being meanders on this journey that should never have been taken. i was there.my body existed in a previous time at those locations, those buildings.i am not there. the time is now. today is a new day. full of beauty.and life. i will live in it.+++they exist but not really...not the way i remember it, therefore it does not exist and my mind is clear, coherent. free to live in the now.+++

irrationality.

i have this strong propensity to revisit the unknown (yet known). it is all such a blur, a haze. it is the wreckage i so abhor but have come to cherish despite great lengths to distance myself from it. it is pure fallacy...these thoughts that seem to enter my mind on dreary tuesday nights. irrationality seems to consume me on rainy days. the intensity of the facade pleads for air, one solitary suspire. this autumnal foliage enchains my being. inconsolable young woman am i when i trap myself in this prison that should have been extiguished long ago. a vacancy in this dark, desolate place will exist soon. the enigma will shatter and i will be known. these thoughts are merely transient, do not fret my child, He calls to me. he whispers the old familiar words...they echo continuously in my being...
For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future......(jer 29:11)

books. make. my. soul. smile.

i bought a book today. it warmed my heart and brightened my soul. i love books in the way that they are never changing. the pages may yellow and twist and turn and fold itself in a variety of ways but the words remain the same. they are always there to comfort my restless, uneasy heart.
a close companion.
a constant friend on my bookshelf.
and for that i am grateful.

all the things i detest.

i am hating the tears that never come. amelioration i seek, relief i lack.
i am hating the words that never come to a complete coherent thought. the words, they float and loom over my being...but are absent from my speech.
i am hating the deep, intense cravings for real, authentic community. i pursue it and yet isolate myself from it at the same time. afraid to be known, afraid to be unknown, as always... the engimatic, esotoric way of life allures me yet is the very thing i abhor.
i am hating my sin....................................................................................
it is becoming more and more operose to trust my Lord. i can no longer see. my tears that i pretend are there are blocking my view of His plan....don't hide yourself, Oh God...

vacant glances.

i want to rip up the dictionary and every book that ever has existed because words will never exist.
where to go when sorrow breeds...
someone else bear these scars so my desires can be quenched.
YOUR words reverberate in my mind.......they are real. they exist. yes, yes, they exist. they are the only words that exist.
i descend into the quiescence of my mind. into this abysmal spiritual battle.
release me from my fears, O Lord.
my fears to speak. because words do not exist.
(i love you.....i'm sorry i fail at showing it, father)

free spirited indie rocker kid.

Free-spirited, organic-eating, coffee-drinking, thrift-store shopping, indie rock poet. A Conor Oberst of sorts. For so long I had been plagued with this ideal image in my mind, this distorted sense of "realness". In the process, I have come to develop a great affinity for coffee as well as a deep appreciation for indie music, after all who can resist the sounds of Bright Eyes, Sufjan Stevens and Death Cab? Not I. However, on the quest for "realness", I had encountered a fraud. Myself. I sought out answers only to be left more confused and dissatisfied than I was in the first place. If religion can bring up to God, it can certainly take us from him.
I'll admit, I have always had unrealistic expectations within the body of believers. In my warped thinking, I came to terms with the "fact" that I was somehow better than others because of my plight, because of the remnants of my former life. The deafening silence had once held me captive so therefore I was more real, more open, more transparent than the next person. Ha. Had I forgotten that I too was broken, weak, judgmental, immoral, impure, SINFUL? Who was I to believe I was somehow exempt from committing those heinous misdeeds? I cringe at the things I have shown I am capable of, I cower like a little girl in absolute disgust of my filthy sinful ways. My deep rooted desire for complete authenticity and genuineness will never be satisfied in full apart from Christ. So long as I was looking at man, these longings would go forever unfulfilled. I had begun to merge man's character with God's character. I made the Lord out to be someone He never has been nor ever will be.
I am finally, for once in my life, finding my identity in Christ and not fooling myself with images of the "perfect" me. Praise God.
A Journal Entry From Me...
March 2007
"I feel so confused, I am continually on this search for "self", inevitably failing each time because I am looking for my identity outside of you, Father. I am no longer cognizant of who I am. My spirit is so downcast, the minute self worth I possess comes from mere man. My heart aches because I know that everything I crave is everything you freely offer and yet here I am…searching for the things of this world, trying to find satisfaction in things that ultimately will never bring me satisfaction. I feel as though I am so far from "me", that I barely even know who that is anymore. "

absorbing the bullet.

your invigorating scent of mystery permeates this empty place. encapsulated in a fog of memory, I cease to remember all I was sure I would retain. this dimly lit throne of my soul has been awakened.....forbid it be premature.
my soul resonates with words with which i am not yet familiar. the written word soothes my disfigured soul. immerse myself in words that are not yet created so i feel less alone. i attempt to assuage the wound that is my dilapidated heart.
this idyllic life i have created for myself is disintegrating.
bring me to life, oh Lord.

revive my heart oh God.

i am devoid of any meaningful, rational thought.
i long for the confusion to be dispelled, the darkness to be illuminated, the uncertainity vanquished. i have wallowed in these self deprecating thoughts for far too long, thus confirming the fact that i have rejected the complete sufficiency of the Lord's redeeming work. i am seemingly engrossed in my past failures, sins and weaknesses. withholding from Christ that which I am most in need of healing from.

meandering thoughts

it is quiet here. in this secluded place. isolation. so much to say. when the opportunity arises, i am mute. how is it that I am so loud in my own head? this vision of myself will likely never become a reality. music has become my fortress, to hide in a world that will never understand. inhibition pervades every rational thought.

the subtleties of language escape my grasp. thought has meandered its way into some nifty little crevice that these neurons of mine do not feel up to exploring. content with sloth, all synapses have been barred. so once again, i am left with no word to fumble my way through. no sentences to re-arrange. no paragraphs to attempt to explain. no way to further explore these emotions which claim so much of my energy. there's nothing left in my mind.but empty space.

i am yours.

consumed with grievous thoughts, my delicate self is driven to despair once again. this calamitous defeat strikes a chord in me. my internal scars are healing, but it is an arduous process. such is life. a process. what was once a deterioration of the self is now an arresting desire for wholeness. the wholeness that only Christ can bestow.

i refuse to be inhibited. i refuse to let the spurious ways of the world paralyze my soul and take me captive.

Father, I am yours.

a mild state of gloom.

i am floating in a sea of nothingness where the creatures have no regard for the plight of my soul..... i am attempting to crawl out of this darkening madness that has penetrated my being for so long.

i long for rest. for peace. but am unsuccessful in my quest.

stop the turbulence.

i just want to rest in my Father's arms.

seemingly perfect.

Seemingly Perfect.
I find myself increasingly drawn to those with "stories". Pain. Hardship. Suffering. Tragedy. I find myself aching for someone to share my stories with. I continue to surround myself with people who have known Jesus since they were three years old and have seemingly never strayed since. Although I am well aware the Lord has done a mighty work in their lives..I long to meet the.....ex druggies, ex alcoholics, non virgins, ex cutters, ex psych ward patients... whom have been redeemed by Christ..... Nowhere are they to be found. I realize they do exist...somewhere. But in the meantime, here I am, broken and alone... I realize how my past has inevitably led me to where I am today and how Christ has completely healed me and delivered me from my past desires/urges/addictions. However, it is slightly disconcerting when I feel as though I live in a sheltered world... Christians that exude the aura that they lead virtually perfect lives. I know this is not the reality...but how come so often it feels like it is?

i feel like the world is a piece of fiction...a library of fabricated paperback novels.

your words echo deep within my heart penetrating the cavernous weak walls. the frail trace of support beams holding up my tattered heart is vanishing.

i beg you to rid all traces of your deep rooted artificicality...

entry from my journal april 2, 2007
....I remember thinking that I was somehow more brave than the rest of them. In my twisted state of mind, I was stronger, more tenacious because I could do what so many found repulsing. I wander aimlessly in a foreign land in which I do not speak their language, I do not know their land, I am virtually foreign and unknown even to myself....

blue like jazz.

I've been re-reading Blue Like Jazz and it's reminding me how messy spirituality is. I love it. I love it that it's tough, and gritty, and transparent, and I love it that I don't have to know all the answers, much less pretend to. It takes a lot of weight off of these shoulders of mine. Man, I want my feet and hands to be dirty. I want to get in there and do the dirty work and not be afraid to get some scrapes and bruises. How wonderful it is to have doubts and to actually question things and to challenge others and be challenged. How then, will we ever grow if this does not happen? I cannot be stagnant. I cannot be idle.

euphoria is mine.

these cold, dark places they always seem to find me. caught in a web of maddening isolation, disillusioned by the life they continue to offer. these cravings buried deep within cease to leave my downtrodden soul. trapped. trapped in the desolateness of my being.

i am a child, pulling on mama's skirt.

i am an adult. put on the skirt. get ready for work. put that glorious fake smile on. no one has to know... the silence annihilates us all.

you...you there...you captivate me by your ability to resist the deafening silence. your intense, approach to this thing called life which i so desperately desire. jealously enters. forgive me, Father.

where are you, friend? you knew me when no one else would. you are familiar with every line on my face. you listened to my faults and stories without disregard. those repelling things which would no doubt provide a cringe throughout the body to the rest of humanity....

Father, calm my heart. speak those gentle, loving words that rocks back to sleep what has been so rudely awakened.

euphoria is mine...
someday.

a deep fear within me.

afraid to be known.
afraid to be unknown.
picking up the fragmented pieces
of my soul......
extract the parts that that are itching to withdraw and disconnect
for fear of disapproval
and
unworthiness.

darkness.

the darkness has mildly subsided, but the doubt persists even so. the lingering fear of inadequacy plagues my every move. i am crippled with the inner turmoil that depletes me in every possible fashion. the inescapable doom arrests my soul and takes me captive, diminishing what little energy i possess.

i expect too much from people. simple as that. end of story.

incoherent thoughts.

i rarely recognize myself anymore. i have changed so much since you left me. i have become more myself. i have evolved into the person i have always longed to be. i have broken free of your chains. you no longer can hold me down and make me subject to your disdain. i will be me. she will be her. I WILL BE ME.
people think i am shy. little do they know i am an open book. they will never know that though. never. never. never.

Uncertainty.

I graduate from college in less than three weeks and I still feel like a child in so many ways. I often look back on my childhood, this age of innocence, with a fondness so strong I can barely contain it. I still grovel over the mere sight of any remnant of the past....I am intrigued and enthralled by the beauty of being a child and contemplate why I didn't recognize the sheer beauty and wonder of it while I was still living in it. Then again, when do we ever realize something is good until it is far too late? I often feel trapped and paralyzed in a body that is unfamiliar and unknown even to myself. Time has appeared to escape me and has left me bewildered as to what has happened...Who am I? Why am I here....and most importantly...where's my bike??? Trepidation overcomes me when I look ahead, the unknown can be so eerily frightening. Thank God I have a loving Father who has promised me a future and a hope. I praise Him in the uncertainty.