Free-spirited, organic-eating, coffee-drinking, thrift-store shopping, indie rock poet. A Conor Oberst of sorts. For so long I had been plagued with this ideal image in my mind, this distorted sense of "realness". In the process, I have come to develop a great affinity for coffee as well as a deep appreciation for indie music, after all who can resist the sounds of Bright Eyes, Sufjan Stevens and Death Cab? Not I. However, on the quest for "realness", I had encountered a fraud. Myself. I sought out answers only to be left more confused and dissatisfied than I was in the first place. If religion can bring up to God, it can certainly take us from him.
I'll admit, I have always had unrealistic expectations within the body of believers. In my warped thinking, I came to terms with the "fact" that I was somehow better than others because of my plight, because of the remnants of my former life. The deafening silence had once held me captive so therefore I was more real, more open, more transparent than the next person. Ha. Had I forgotten that I too was broken, weak, judgmental, immoral, impure, SINFUL? Who was I to believe I was somehow exempt from committing those heinous misdeeds? I cringe at the things I have shown I am capable of, I cower like a little girl in absolute disgust of my filthy sinful ways. My deep rooted desire for complete authenticity and genuineness will never be satisfied in full apart from Christ. So long as I was looking at man, these longings would go forever unfulfilled. I had begun to merge man's character with God's character. I made the Lord out to be someone He never has been nor ever will be.
I am finally, for once in my life, finding my identity in Christ and not fooling myself with images of the "perfect" me. Praise God.
A Journal Entry From Me...
"I feel so confused, I am continually on this search for "self", inevitably failing each time because I am looking for my identity outside of you, Father. I am no longer cognizant of who I am. My spirit is so downcast, the minute self worth I possess comes from mere man. My heart aches because I know that everything I crave is everything you freely offer and yet here I am…searching for the things of this world, trying to find satisfaction in things that ultimately will never bring me satisfaction. I feel as though I am so far from "me", that I barely even know who that is anymore. "