I eschew these crippling losses, invariably depriving myself of healing. I merely feign illumination that has ceased to appear. These unutterable longings in all their obscurity and vividness in my mind send me to an improverishment of the soul wherein langour overwhelms my being. Must I be stricken with this muteness, these blind eyes that fail to see the revelations that stand before me, these ears that discontinue their very function? However, the past, in all its brokenness, reminds me in some unfathomable way, all is well. My heart is not hardened, I am not cold and lacking any warmth, as I so often claim in my writings, quite the contrary, dear friend. I obturated the door from such things to permeate the inner depths of me, for that is not me and never will be. I am gentle. Soft hearted. Tender. I shutter when I hear these very words, they seem to evoke such images of weakness, frailty….. Then I remember the sweet delicacy of the human spirit. We are all weak, broken, sifting through the debris of our hurts. It's called humanness. ….I am forever destined for a treacherous war with words and coherence. Praise God that He can hear my inner groanings. He remains my oases in the arid desert, in Him I find peace, stillness, refreshment for my soul.
The macabre dance has ended.
The self privation has been struck down.
New life has begun.
I relinquish my fears to you, sweet Lord.