the same old thoughts in the same old words.

These are my aberrant cryptic thoughts, slathered in pure ambiguity so as not to lie here naked, exposed in this desolate place. The raiment keeps me so warm and safe. This manner of expression that seems to equivocate thoughts is a way for me to convey the deepest most intricate parts of my soul that will never be spoken aloud. My speaking is shallow and to the point, lacking any depth as I impose these cruel restrictions on my mouth, continually gagging on the rusty old chain in my throat. I would like nothing more than for there to be perspicacity existing in all its forms, that exquisite clarity in my speech. I am forever searching for that singular word that will nail down these arcane thoughts, ideas and desires. Searching, but turning up with no such word. The chain declares that it has captivity over my mouth. Herein lies my lifelong struggle, this ineluctable truth, the desire to be known and yet wanting to bask in the "security" of being unknown. So I cry out to my Bridegroom, pleading for him to break these chains, to mollify my seeming relentless fears….. Lord, take these inclinations to be reticent away! Let not my speech be restrained! It is still.
And quiet in this place.
I am capable of lucidity.
Only through you Abba.

ineffable joy.

I eschew these crippling losses, invariably depriving myself of healing. I merely feign illumination that has ceased to appear. These unutterable longings in all their obscurity and vividness in my mind send me to an improverishment of the soul wherein langour overwhelms my being. Must I be stricken with this muteness, these blind eyes that fail to see the revelations that stand before me, these ears that discontinue their very function? However, the past, in all its brokenness, reminds me in some unfathomable way, all is well. My heart is not hardened, I am not cold and lacking any warmth, as I so often claim in my writings, quite the contrary, dear friend. I obturated the door from such things to permeate the inner depths of me, for that is not me and never will be. I am gentle. Soft hearted. Tender. I shutter when I hear these very words, they seem to evoke such images of weakness, frailty….. Then I remember the sweet delicacy of the human spirit. We are all weak, broken, sifting through the debris of our hurts. It's called humanness. ….I am forever destined for a treacherous war with words and coherence. Praise God that He can hear my inner groanings. He remains my oases in the arid desert, in Him I find peace, stillness, refreshment for my soul.
The macabre dance has ended.
The self privation has been struck down.
New life has begun.
I relinquish my fears to you, sweet Lord.

he mends my calloused heart.

These unnamed, immemorial feelings drive me to a state of complacency , they penetrate my dismantling heart which lacks any remnant of warmth. It is the pure embodiment of anesthesized discarded thought. These continuous bullets inserted renders me detached, elusive…firmly etched in my memory but yet lacking visibility all the same. The sheer weight of this squalor is seemingly unavoidable and will not subside. I infuse admirable qualities into my exterior but my interior is black, empty, a never ending abyss. The timidity I display is sheer cowardice….why must I be so fearful of that which God made me to be?
Restore me, Lord. Let not my heart be blinded by the darkness that inhabits my surroundings.
I put to death these things.
There is no life in them.
I peer out from the depths
And find life. Joy. Love.
I am alive.
I am redeemed.

a meaningless journey

absurdity claims us all captive...i am inclined to possess these obscure thoughts. they produce a longing deep within for a journey... i will guardedly enter my car and start driving. to nowhere. to everywhere. to my distant past that haunts me. my close confidantes will accompany me...bright eyes, ane brun, azure ray...me. my car. my music. my God.
900 E Broadway Avenue Bismarck, ND
3242 Crocus Avenue Bismarck, ND
4500 Duxhall Drive Lincoln, NE4
740 S 45th Street Lincoln, NE
2500 S. 17th Street Lincoln, NE
1380 Eternity Lane Shell Knob, MO
1650 Lake Street Lincoln, NE
1100 N. 56th Street Lincoln, NE
5201 Vine Street Lincoln, NE
12550 Zuni Street Westminster, CO
75670 Road 417 Cozad, NE
501 N 34th Street Bismarck, ND
1500 Edwards Ave 204A Bismarck, ND
1111 Main Street Wayne, NE
5010 Fir Hollow Lane Lincoln, NE
my journey will be completed. only to come to realize, it was absent of purpose. void of meaning.what have i come to a deeper understanding of? the fact that these are merely locations? buildings? places where my toxic tears were shed but have long since dried up? i am no longer there.the people i knew at those places cease to exist. they are nowhere to be found.i have no right to be there.unwanted. displaced. my being meanders on this journey that should never have been taken. i was there.my body existed in a previous time at those locations, those buildings.i am not there. the time is now. today is a new day. full of beauty.and life. i will live in it.+++they exist but not really...not the way i remember it, therefore it does not exist and my mind is clear, coherent. free to live in the now.+++

irrationality.

i have this strong propensity to revisit the unknown (yet known). it is all such a blur, a haze. it is the wreckage i so abhor but have come to cherish despite great lengths to distance myself from it. it is pure fallacy...these thoughts that seem to enter my mind on dreary tuesday nights. irrationality seems to consume me on rainy days. the intensity of the facade pleads for air, one solitary suspire. this autumnal foliage enchains my being. inconsolable young woman am i when i trap myself in this prison that should have been extiguished long ago. a vacancy in this dark, desolate place will exist soon. the enigma will shatter and i will be known. these thoughts are merely transient, do not fret my child, He calls to me. he whispers the old familiar words...they echo continuously in my being...
For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future......(jer 29:11)

books. make. my. soul. smile.

i bought a book today. it warmed my heart and brightened my soul. i love books in the way that they are never changing. the pages may yellow and twist and turn and fold itself in a variety of ways but the words remain the same. they are always there to comfort my restless, uneasy heart.
a close companion.
a constant friend on my bookshelf.
and for that i am grateful.

all the things i detest.

i am hating the tears that never come. amelioration i seek, relief i lack.
i am hating the words that never come to a complete coherent thought. the words, they float and loom over my being...but are absent from my speech.
i am hating the deep, intense cravings for real, authentic community. i pursue it and yet isolate myself from it at the same time. afraid to be known, afraid to be unknown, as always... the engimatic, esotoric way of life allures me yet is the very thing i abhor.
i am hating my sin....................................................................................
it is becoming more and more operose to trust my Lord. i can no longer see. my tears that i pretend are there are blocking my view of His plan....don't hide yourself, Oh God...